As I get older I tend to reflect on things a bit more every year. This year being the great big cluster-eff it's been is cause for much of that, hence this blog in the first place, and especially since my birthday is tomorrow I'm taking stock of things a bit more. I will be 28 tomorrow. Damn. I kind of still feel like I'm in that weird post-18 pre-25 mindset. Maybe it's because Kelley is four years my junior and that keeps me feeling younger but when I was a younger lad (late teens, early 20's) I thought "Damn, 28? Almost 30? That's old." Now look at me. There's been a lot of life lived here my friends, a lot of things that maybe would have been better not happening but hey, I've always subscribed to the notion that if you're happy with where you are right now then nothing was really bad because it all forms and informs who you are. Very much a cliché, I know.
Let's see, potentially life-threatening disease? Check. Surviving it. What else you got, universe?
The systematic dismantling of my friend network over the years either deliberately or otherwise? Double check. This is a big one that really bothers me and that will probably never change. Five years ago I had a great many folks I could count on and look to and my extended family was very extended indeed. It kind of started when I got out of the music game, I think. I just checked out from everyone and landed at the bottom of a bottle for awhile. There are only so many unreturned phone calls and messages that people can take before checking you off the list I suppose. Another point for my causing my own distress. Slowly I've begun to rebuild some of those relationships and it's occurred to me that if I reconnect with people, awesome. The ones that stay on the other side of that burned bridge will just have to hang out there for awhile longer, as much as I'd like to change that. I'm a dude that doesn't like to make waves with people, contrary to what my actions in a past life may have said.
Sometimes, even when I try I get burned. Example: when I went to jail I met this dude named Kurt and we became fast friends. Both musicians, both cooks, similar sense of humor, and enrolled in the same "don't drink and drive" anymore program. When we got back to the real world we met again unexpectedly on the streets of Dover and I soon went to work for him (he was chef at a local restaurant.) Now, I was a fairly prodigious alcoholic but THIS guy had an epic drinking problem. He'd make daily trips to the liquor store, passing my apartment on the way, to get "breakfast" at 9 or 10am and would basically be wasted all day. I'd have to wake him up to get to work some days (he lived adjacent to the restaurant) and cover for him when he took pulls off the bottles of cooking wine and such in the kitchen. Not a fun set of circumstances. Anyway, finally it got to be pretty bad and I took him to the hospital with a friend of his. This friend bailed on us and I was with him all day in the ER getting sobered up and stabilized. The dude drank two nips of vodka in the triage bathroom, that's how bad off he was. Eventually one of the nurses/social work people came in and he agreed to check into a rehab facility that day. He's been in now for about a year and I'm happy to say he's been sober since December 3rd and getting things back on track. Kelley and I ran into him at Barnes and Noble not too long ago and we chatted. He said "Oh shit, you got skinny! Working out or hospital?" We can smell our own. I told him about my pancreatitis and he just said "Yup, that'll do it."
I've been asked if I feel slighted or something because here's a guy who drank much, much more than me in a shorter amount of time and is healthier than I am. Nope. I drew the short straw and it's my lot to bear. I'm happy that my friend got himself clean and didn't have to have something terrible happen to him to get that way. I'm not one to question the "fairness" of the things that happen to us. Things just happen and we either go with it or we don't and I'm happy to say I'm not done fighting just yet. Too much to live for.
Yesterday into last night and moving to today has been kind of a trial. Not sure why but my flank drain has been giving me A LOT of pain. It took me hours to fall asleep last night because any way I laid hurt. A lot. I'm used to not sleeping at this point but not sleeping due to unyielding pain isn't something I deal with every day, at least not as often as I used to. The worst part of this pain business is that it tends to keep me inside and not out actually doing things. For awhile I couldn't really go out because I was going to the hospital so often. It really was a daily battle to see if I would have to hit the ER or not so you can imagine what that does to one's social life. Hopefully I won't have any more problems today or tomorrow. Who wants to be laid up on their birthday? I'm not even planning on doing anything but it would be nice to be able to do something if I so chose. Yup.
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Might take the day off from writing tomorrow due to the specified above birthday. Or I'll finally get around to writing about my surgery. We'll see.
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