This is my third attempt at a new post, the first two being very different and without much direction and I fear the same this time around except now I'm not as concerned about it. That's one of the many problems I've run into in keeping this thing alive and well: what do I really write about? Ostensibly this is "an account of living with pancreatitis and how it affects my world" but more often then not I end up writing about things in the past, current events, relationships with people...and most of that does inform why I got pancreatitis in the first place but the connection can be a stretch. Also, I hate repeating myself or being redundant but I'm also completely ignorant of my readership and don't know who's read everything from the beginning and what I've left out. I'd have to re-read every post every day to remember everything I've already said but is it so bad to repeat oneself, especially in this context? The point of this blog is as much for education as it is for me to liberate myself from all these thoughts cruising around in my noggin. Going with the redundancy aspect I know I've posed the question previously that I'm not sure which direction to go in, or what people enjoy reading and what they could care less about. Sure, the overtly humorous bits are a nice read as are the bits about things I dreamt about in my fun little coma or things I said when I was out of my mind but there's only so much of that I can go over and this is all about my current living as much as it is about what got me here. That's right, I'm a walking after-school special. Jimmy Got Pancreatitis! Here's How!
No offense to the James, Jim, and Jimmy's of the world but it's not a name I would want for myself. And not just because I'm Team Dwight.
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"Yeah it's a chronic pain in my ass but no, It's not a burden.
It's ironic that I drink to make my insides stop hurting.
And it's love that gives me heartburn,
it's a song that makes my stomach turn
and I wouldn't trade my hand for all the aces in the deck.
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Yesterday was my brother Seamus' birthday. He's 30 now. I'm not sure how many people actually believed he'd live this long. I may have had my brushes with the Great Black Beyond but he's had a foot in the grave for a very long time. If you haven't figured it out yet kiddos, drugs are bad mmmk. Our relationship has been...interesting? over the years. Not to be overly cryptic or creepy or going for shock value but there are things that went on between us that not only have I never told anyone (and I was in therapy for YEARS, people) but I actively force myself not to think about and I'm pretty sure I've blocked a bunch of things from my consciousness because it'd make me want to kill myself. Use your imaginations to come up with things that could do that and they're probably not even close to what really happened. Despite his shortcomings, fracturing of our family, rampant drug abuse, thievery, physical and emotional abuse to me and God knows who else I still love him. If anyone on this planet has righteous reasons for outright hate in his general direction that would be me, but I don't. I can't. Despite all the fucked up things he's done to himself and to everyone else in his life we all deserve a second chance and an opportunity to change. Over the past few years he's even made real efforts to get clean, been in rehab programs, and still fights to this day to keep his addictions at bay and for that I say bravo fucking bravo. His marriage fell apart, he's lost most of the people in his life and now he wants to do something good with his life and really, who's place is it to beat him down for that? I'm told when I got sick he came to see me a few times and it really did a number on him. In my low moments I say "Good, feel shitty about it, asshole" but more often I just think wow, he didn't have to do that. He's not exactly in the family's good graces and he kind of stuck his neck out. I'm certainly not without sin so I'll be keeping those stones in my pocket, thank you very much.
Now, I don't mean to paint the picture that things were all bad between us. He helped teach me how to sing, write some of my first songs, he was the reason why I was straight edge until I was 22, he taught me the joys of Wii bowling...the list goes on and on. It's a very yin and yang relationship. Sure, he did things that I don't think I can ever forgive him for but it wasn't all bad. Hopefully he stays straight and keeps off the junk. At this point I just hope he can live healthy and happy because really, isn't that what we all deserve?
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I made dinner for a few friends last night and the topic of another of our little circle's love life came up. Chris is my oldest friend and he's taken a shine on a young lady that is PERFECT for him. This makes me happy. He's been a bachelor for too long and needs and deserves someone that can go toe to toe with him. They read the same comics, are into the same movies, play the same video games...as we say in our parlance, "She can hang." I was present for their first meeting and I truly believed they had known each other for years, the way they were talking to each other. It was magical. Kismet. As far as I've been told they've kept up some healthy conversations since and hopefully this blossoms into something bigger. A match made in geek heaven.
On the same subject my dear brother Angel has also developed a relationship with a lady in his life. Again, he's a bit of a bachelor and this is the first time I've seen him excited about a gal like a giddy school boy. The two of them have had a few outings (and innings) with Kelley and myself and they're just cute. Completely saccharine sweetness here people. Oddly enough, in both cases the gentlemen are a bit older than their respective ladies, by about ten years or so. Now don't get any foul ideas in your heads, perverts. We're talking early twenties to early thirties, not like my friends are trolling school yards or anything. Anyhow, Angel's situation is of particular interest to me because this young lass comes from a very devout Christian household and it just so happens that I can kind of speak her language, in that respect. Despite his name, Angel's not exactly a bible-toting gentleman here. I won't go into his story out of respect but he has his reasons for not being on board with Christianity as a whole. I get it. I respect it. So does she, I think. See, she's really into him and (rightly so) unphased by the fact that homeboy isn't exactly down with JC right now. However, her family, father especially, believe that Christians shouldn't date non-Christians, especially when said people are rocking a decade in age difference. Angel's a worldly dude and yes, she's seen a bit of the world and experienced things but not nearly to the extent of my brosef. He's legitimately interested in her beliefs, faith, etc. because maybe we all need a little bit of faith in our lives. Now, this is where it gets fun for me but not so much for them because her father is kind of a nutcase. Case in point:
"You won't learn anything about God from a young girl, it has to come from a man."
Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? That is fucking ridiculous. Now, I'm no theologian, pastor, or priest. Hell, I don't consider myself a Christian these days but even I know that that is an ass backward way of thinking. I've come to understand that God will present Himself to you in the way that best suits you. How else are you going to see the light or however you want to present it? I personally credit Five Iron Frenzy for showing me the realness of God and guess what? I'm a music geek. That's how God's going to get to me. Same situation here. I'm sorry, I respect everyone's beliefs but telling him that's not the way to God is a bunch of hoopla. All that does is drive an already skeptical person away further. Apparently her father went so far as to tell a story about the Reverend Billy Graham and how while on the road he would avoid all contact with women altogether outside of church services so he wouldn't face temptation or anything of the sort. Uh. Sorry buddy, if your faith is so shaky that you can't even be in the company of the opposite sex then perhaps you should reevaluate a few things in your life. Also, again, this is a secondhand story, this gentleman says that at one point the Rev. Graham was asked if he happened upon a young lady stranded on the side of the road with a jacked up car would he help her or continue on his way. Billy Boy said that he wouldn't stop to help but call for help at the next opportunity. HORSE POOPY! Are you kidding me?! And this man has counseled and influenced normal folk, musicians, politicians and presidents? WHAT THE HELL?! And I thought I had deep philosophical differences with (not actually a doctor) James Dobson. Holy shit.
Haha. Holy. Get it?
Given my...circumstances? Experiences? I've gotten to know the subject of God and death rather intimately and I've got to tell you, despite what I've gone through I have no definite answers. Guess what? No one does. Literalists of any kind are amusing to me even though they can also be rather dangerous. A book that was written thousands of years ago (in a dead language) then retranslated (into other dead languages) then altered by kings and monarchs based on their tastes and whims (lose this chapter, change the wording of that verse, that cadence doesn't make sense) then retranslated again for only the learned, wealthy, and educated to read (because that's how any manual should be written) then retranslated again so all of the lay people could understand cannot be taken literally. That's a preposterous notion. Ever tried literally translating Japanese into English? It's ridiculous. Makes no sense. Now try doing that from Sanskrit to Latin to English. Something as simple as "God is love and love is everything" wouldn't read like that at all. And that's really the point I'm trying to make with this little tirade: not just with the bible, with anything. What something reads and what something says are two very different things. Stick ten people in the same room and have them read the same book. Then have them all say what that book means. Ten different answers. We've all got varying perspective and that's what makes us human and beautiful.
Alright, it's time to get off the soap box.
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It's snowing! For real! Finally! I haven't seen proper snowfall since 2010. Despite my utter disdain for the cold I do have a sort of romantic attachment to snowfall. Sure, I got to see a few flecks kick around outside of my hospital window but not like this. Makes me want to bake cookies, get some stock going for soup and have a cup of hot cocoa. Yes, I am a little boy who still loves his hot cocoa. Speaking of, and this has to be said, even though I get free Panera anything their hot cocoa kind of tastes like dirt and coffee grounds, and by kind of I mean absolutely. It's wretched. Decent soups, a few tasty sammiches, a good salad or two, some very drinkable tea and hot chocolate that's nothing short of an abomination. Seriously, do not drink the hot chocolate. Your soul will die a little bit.
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Time to close up shop for the day, guys and dolls. I apologize for the scattershot nature of today's post but that's how it is when you've had about five hours of sleep in the past 72. My tubes have been AWFUL lately and I've had a few bouts of stomach sickness. It kind of feels like I'm having fluid issues again and my last CT scan showed a new collection so...hopefully this doesn't mean another dance with the ER doctors coming up. Here's hoping.
On the same subject my dear brother Angel has also developed a relationship with a lady in his life. Again, he's a bit of a bachelor and this is the first time I've seen him excited about a gal like a giddy school boy. The two of them have had a few outings (and innings) with Kelley and myself and they're just cute. Completely saccharine sweetness here people. Oddly enough, in both cases the gentlemen are a bit older than their respective ladies, by about ten years or so. Now don't get any foul ideas in your heads, perverts. We're talking early twenties to early thirties, not like my friends are trolling school yards or anything. Anyhow, Angel's situation is of particular interest to me because this young lass comes from a very devout Christian household and it just so happens that I can kind of speak her language, in that respect. Despite his name, Angel's not exactly a bible-toting gentleman here. I won't go into his story out of respect but he has his reasons for not being on board with Christianity as a whole. I get it. I respect it. So does she, I think. See, she's really into him and (rightly so) unphased by the fact that homeboy isn't exactly down with JC right now. However, her family, father especially, believe that Christians shouldn't date non-Christians, especially when said people are rocking a decade in age difference. Angel's a worldly dude and yes, she's seen a bit of the world and experienced things but not nearly to the extent of my brosef. He's legitimately interested in her beliefs, faith, etc. because maybe we all need a little bit of faith in our lives. Now, this is where it gets fun for me but not so much for them because her father is kind of a nutcase. Case in point:
"You won't learn anything about God from a young girl, it has to come from a man."
Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? That is fucking ridiculous. Now, I'm no theologian, pastor, or priest. Hell, I don't consider myself a Christian these days but even I know that that is an ass backward way of thinking. I've come to understand that God will present Himself to you in the way that best suits you. How else are you going to see the light or however you want to present it? I personally credit Five Iron Frenzy for showing me the realness of God and guess what? I'm a music geek. That's how God's going to get to me. Same situation here. I'm sorry, I respect everyone's beliefs but telling him that's not the way to God is a bunch of hoopla. All that does is drive an already skeptical person away further. Apparently her father went so far as to tell a story about the Reverend Billy Graham and how while on the road he would avoid all contact with women altogether outside of church services so he wouldn't face temptation or anything of the sort. Uh. Sorry buddy, if your faith is so shaky that you can't even be in the company of the opposite sex then perhaps you should reevaluate a few things in your life. Also, again, this is a secondhand story, this gentleman says that at one point the Rev. Graham was asked if he happened upon a young lady stranded on the side of the road with a jacked up car would he help her or continue on his way. Billy Boy said that he wouldn't stop to help but call for help at the next opportunity. HORSE POOPY! Are you kidding me?! And this man has counseled and influenced normal folk, musicians, politicians and presidents? WHAT THE HELL?! And I thought I had deep philosophical differences with (not actually a doctor) James Dobson. Holy shit.
Haha. Holy. Get it?
Given my...circumstances? Experiences? I've gotten to know the subject of God and death rather intimately and I've got to tell you, despite what I've gone through I have no definite answers. Guess what? No one does. Literalists of any kind are amusing to me even though they can also be rather dangerous. A book that was written thousands of years ago (in a dead language) then retranslated (into other dead languages) then altered by kings and monarchs based on their tastes and whims (lose this chapter, change the wording of that verse, that cadence doesn't make sense) then retranslated again for only the learned, wealthy, and educated to read (because that's how any manual should be written) then retranslated again so all of the lay people could understand cannot be taken literally. That's a preposterous notion. Ever tried literally translating Japanese into English? It's ridiculous. Makes no sense. Now try doing that from Sanskrit to Latin to English. Something as simple as "God is love and love is everything" wouldn't read like that at all. And that's really the point I'm trying to make with this little tirade: not just with the bible, with anything. What something reads and what something says are two very different things. Stick ten people in the same room and have them read the same book. Then have them all say what that book means. Ten different answers. We've all got varying perspective and that's what makes us human and beautiful.
Alright, it's time to get off the soap box.
------
It's snowing! For real! Finally! I haven't seen proper snowfall since 2010. Despite my utter disdain for the cold I do have a sort of romantic attachment to snowfall. Sure, I got to see a few flecks kick around outside of my hospital window but not like this. Makes me want to bake cookies, get some stock going for soup and have a cup of hot cocoa. Yes, I am a little boy who still loves his hot cocoa. Speaking of, and this has to be said, even though I get free Panera anything their hot cocoa kind of tastes like dirt and coffee grounds, and by kind of I mean absolutely. It's wretched. Decent soups, a few tasty sammiches, a good salad or two, some very drinkable tea and hot chocolate that's nothing short of an abomination. Seriously, do not drink the hot chocolate. Your soul will die a little bit.
------
Time to close up shop for the day, guys and dolls. I apologize for the scattershot nature of today's post but that's how it is when you've had about five hours of sleep in the past 72. My tubes have been AWFUL lately and I've had a few bouts of stomach sickness. It kind of feels like I'm having fluid issues again and my last CT scan showed a new collection so...hopefully this doesn't mean another dance with the ER doctors coming up. Here's hoping.
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