According to the ticker over here my last post was in April. April 9th, to be exact. So that's...six months and nine days. Alright. I think it's time to take the old girl for a spin again.
You'd think having the 2011 I had would give me a newfound appreciation for life and taking in every ray of sunshine, blade of grass, smile and hug as a blessing and a sign that I should live life to the fullest because that's what you do in the wake of seemingly certain tragedy, right?
False.
Nothing is ever that simple in my universe apparently and the past six months have been the severe all around life-fuck to prove it. It's been one big clusterlove of ups, down, in-betweens, false starts, short lives, new beginnings, newer endings, and things that are still unfolding (as life happens to do.) I thought My Hospital Year was a lot to take in and make me assess things; holy shit I had no idea how things could go when everything was supposed to be ok and normal and peachy. I'm sure people have that outcome after tragedy but as I said, that's not how my universe runs. It's almost masochistic at this point how far I've allowed myself to teeter towards the brink again and again and knowing that most of the things that happen to me are my own fault is a hell of a lot to take in. Self-actualization can kill you, believe it or not.
My intent with this blogthing, as was my original intent, is to be 100% transparent, open and honest because how much do we really get that in our day to days? We're always trying to spin and play the political game even with ourselves and if you say you don't than you're a liar. Sure, we all have moments of clarity and we are actually completely honest but no one does that all of the time. Even if it's not for some sense of self-preservation we want to come out on top in whatever it is we're doing or at least illicit some amount of sympathy.
I am actively trying to not do that. I'm not afraid to paint myself as a monster because guess what? Sometimes I am one. With that said, despite my goal of complete honesty I will more than likely be changing some names/places/people to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent alike. I'm not out to piss anyone off or change people's feelings about anyone else on here. This is merely a record of myself, my life, and especially my life since being sick.
Haven't lost that bit yet: I will be tying this all back to being sick at the end of the day because it's something huge that affects me every day whether I recognize it or not.
So with that: welcome back peoples. I hope those of you that followed my stuff before keep reading if only to see what kind of Greek tragedy my life can be at times and for any newcomers, I apologize for my sailor's tongue and somewhat awkward and crass sense of humor.
Wait. Ha. Fuck that. No I don't.
I'll try to keep the somewhat linear path I've strung since this started but everything's been really jumbled lately and I'm sure my writing will reflect that. Anyway, that's for another time.
Let's hope this is entertaining for someone other than myself.
lateronkids.
padraig.
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