I'm riding the wave of another sleepless night while my dearly beloved snoozes rather soundly a few feet from me. It's a bit discouraging when I do everything in my power to go to sleep and I can't make it work, or if I do sleep it's fairly restless and for not very long. At this point unfortunately I'm used to a lack of sleep but that doesn't make it any more comfortable to deal with. What to do with this extra time on my hands? I dunno dude, why not write about some of the crazy stuff you dreamed about while in your little coma? Spoon.
I forget the name of the specific drug(s) I was given but around the time of my surgery I was given a cocktail to make me sleep through the whole experience. I went into surgery on January 7th, I think, and wasn't conscious again until the week of the 21st-28th. It was a little jarring to wake up and not know what day it was or what happened. The nurses would routinely ask me what day it was and where I was and when I woke up I had no idea. Freaky stuff. I've told some of my nurses that at some point I want to undergo hypnosis to remember not only the things going on in my head at this time but to see if I can remember anything going on around me as well. Fun fact: people in comas, medically-induced or otherwise can and do hear what goes on around them. They may never recall any of it but they do register what's going on.
There are A LOT of things that I remember dreaming/I believed happened and not all of it was very pleasant. Here I attempt to recall a few things, hence the vol. 1 in the title.
My mother told me that I kept talking about "the old sailor" I was talking to that would leave through the walls. She didn't tell me anything specific I said about this sailor or anything we talked about but we've come to collectively believe I was talking to my Grandfather who passed away a few years ago and who was a Navy man. It's entirely possible, though I don't tend to put stock into ghost encounters or anything like that.
I believed I was in a Japanese hospital of the future and was being cognitively and mentally tested. Why Japanese? Who knows. Through these tests I believed my captors (yes, I was being held against my will) had malicious intent and were scheming to take over the world or something to that effect. At this realization I somehow managed to rig explosives in the hospital, which was apparently the most important building in Japan, and destroy it. I remember seeing the place fall apart around me and even though I knew it almost certainly meant my own doom I was happy for thwarting their plan. Unfortunately for me, I slept and re-awoke to find that the Japanese manipulated space-time so that I never actually blew up anything and I was back to square one in my hospital bed. None of my nurses were Japanese in this dream, oddly enough.
So sure was I that this actually happened that I convinced the real life Lahey nurses that I had in fact been to Japan and I very seriously asked my parents not to think badly on me because I blew up a building in Japan. That's right, I was out of my coma enough to grab hold of my parents and tearfully tell them I did a bad thing by blowing up this building and for them not to be mad at me. They assured me that this didn't actually happen and back to sleep I went. Sometimes I can recall telling them this but again, it was all so jumbled I don't know where dreams and reality went astray.
Piggy-backing on this gem of a drug fantasy was one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever felt and probably will ever feel. Why? I know that this was one of the times that I felt myself dying. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I looked into the void and it scared the shit out of me. There is no way to possibly describe exactly how it felt but I know it was real.
(disclaimer: This was a very FUBAR dream so my sentence structure is probably going to be terrible.)
Not sure how this particular dreamscape began but I was in Burlington, but not the actual Burlington. This Burlington was centered around a massive hill and a dense forest. There were leagues of serpentine streets and I was trying to navigate them to make it back to the hospital. I don't know how I knew it but I was being followed by people meaning to do me harm. I happened across a family of hillbilly cannibals that were tied to the people that tried to extort money from me on the ambulance ride down (as I wrote in an earlier post.) They produced these kind of CKY/ICP videos of themselves butchering and maiming and eating other people. They told me I had to join them in these pursuits and I said there was no way I could do that and tried to escape. I managed to run and make it to a stranger's house close by who hated these monsters. From there we plotted to attack them and end their reign of terror in the community. We devised a plan to bomb their house and kill their elders, thereby scattering the younger of the family. We managed to attack them under cover of darkness, set fire to their house and kill some of the family but we couldn't completely overtake them. We fled into these fields adjacent to their house and waited for the police to come and finish the job for us but that didn't happen either. When we finally found the police we were arrested for disturbing the peace and trying to destroy this family. I pleaded with the police that they were evil, butchering and eating people but the police just said it was their right and we had no business trying to destroy them. There's a lot more to this dream but I can't recall it right now. I don't remember how it ended exactly but I couldn't defeat the cannibal hillbillies.
I was going to write about one of my experiences of knowing I was going to die but to actually put it down right now it would probably take me an hour to write and take twice as long to read. So I'll leave the full story for another post but I'll give up a little bit now, uncomfortable as it is.
One of my very lengthy dreams involved living in a "virtual" computer world where you had to know the most minute detail about computer programming to exist. Example: You couldn't just walk around and interact with things, you had to know the specifics of physics and moving bodies in space to even stand up and walk. There became camps of people of varying levels of skill at programming this reality trying to build reality to what they believed it should be. For some reason I was terrible at programming and could barely do the simplest task. Kelley and her sister Liza were in this reality and they were both geniuses. Liza and her boyfriend Mike were part of a group that were trying to build reality simply and directly and more like the physical world was. They would learn to do simple things like move an object backwards and forwards in space in order to make it possible for there to be gravity and planets and stars. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I know. Anyway, to get to the meat of it, their camp was at ideological war with the remainder of the world who rushed into programming reality and turned everything into a big game with no thought to the mechanics of physics or how to sustain their reality. Because of this their reality was being torn apart at the seams. That's when I knew I saw death. I was standing at the edge of a cliff and just saw blackness. Endless, cold blackness. I tried to turn away but was almost being sucked in or drawn to the dark and it scared me more than I've ever felt before because I couldn't see anything in the darkness. Eventually I did fall into the void and I could feel myself being covered by this cold emptiness but I kept thinking of physics things I learned from the other programmers and started to see miniscule points of light forming shapes and acting in logical ways in terms of gravity, attraction, flow, etc. From there I realized I could use these principles to make it back to the cliff and I did. From there I manifested a way back to the Kelley/Liza/Mike's group and told them I figured out how gravity worked in empty space so we could all be saved. There's a lot more to this but I'll stop there for now.
It's a little weird writing about it and I wish I could convey how achingly empty it felt to experience that. I knew that I was going to die. This was happening in my head while I was either being operated on or post recovery. According to the doctors I nearly died on the operating table and due to complications from my surgery almost died in SICU. I 100% believe this particular dream was my brain knowing it was going to die and fighting against it. It gives me the shakes just thinking about it. More on that later.
I'm done for the night. Maybe more later kiddos.
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